Ask Dr. Mike

Dr. Mike is an advice columnist whose main qualification for dispensing life-changing wisdom is his Ph.D. in Soap Opera Appreciation from the University of Tim Online (all major credit cards accepted).

Here is what fell out of this week's mail bag:

Dear Dr. Mike,

Why, I ought to rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump.

I don't know what to do about my marriage. My husband came home last night and seemed very preoccupied. When I tried to cheer him up by suggesting that we go out to dinner at his favorite restaurant, Casey's, he just shrugged and grabbed the car keys.

He barely spoke through dinner, and when I asked him what was wrong, he just said, "Nothing." He had a beer before dinner, and another one after meal arrived. On the way home I tried everything I could think of to cheer him up, but it was as if he was on another planet. If he answered me at all, it was only to grunt, "yes" or, "no."

We haven't heard from our old friend Dr. Mike in quite a while. For new readers, Dr. Mike is an advice columnist whose main qualification for dispensing life-changing gems of wisdom is his Ph.D. in Melted Crayon Sculpture from the University of Tim Online ($29.95, two for $41.50).

Here is what we found in this week's mail bag:

Dear Dr. Mike,

My wife's cooking is a lot more enthusiastic than it is edible. In fact, after word of her "Liver-Tofurky Casserole Surprise" reached the Pentagon, she was hired as a consultant for the Army's Chemical Warfare Division.

Now she has invited my entire side of the family over to our house for a home-cooked dinner. My question is, could I be held responsible? I mean, isn't luring someone, especially a relative, into a known hazardous situation prosecutable in this state?

Signed,

Maybe I Should Cop A Plea