Technology - The Battle of the Bytes

I received a pretty unique voice mail the other day. According to the caller ID it was from a friend who likes to talk almost as much as I do, so I was not all that surprised to see that her message was more than fifteen minutes long.

As I listened to it, though, I was kind of puzzled. She did not speak, but I could hear faint sounds of shuffling silverware and stacking dishes. I could hear my friend's voice, ghostly and distant, singing in the background. After a few minutes of this I heard keys jangling, a car door slamming, and then a radio playing - with more of that weird, haunting, far-away singing.

I mean "weird" in the best possible way, Leah. Really I do.

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that someone had replaced my home page with a picture of a monkey holding a gun, despite all sorts of server and network security. I have passwords for my passwords, and more passwords that allow me to get to the other passwords. And still they got in. And they posted a picture of a monkey holding a gun.

The obvious question is, "Why would anyone want to replace my home page with a picture of a monkey holding a gun?"

I love email.

I think email just might be the most powerful communication medium ever invented. Think about it; in a matter of seconds I can fire off a note to a reader in Jakarta, Indonesia thanking her for pointing out that three months ago I stranded a preposition in my column about dog poop. I can let her know that her alert assistance is something I will always be grateful for.

The best thing about email is that it's all completely free - if you don't count the $49.95 I spend every month on my high speed internet connection, or the roughly $150,000 I have invested in computer equipment that is now worth a total of maybe $75 on a good day.

But there is a down side to all this instant intercontinental kvetching. It's known as SPAM.

Here in the twenty-first century it is important for a writer to be technologically up-to-date. At a moment's notice we have to be ready to Google, Yahoo, Digg, Backflip, Gather, Bebo, Plaxo, Facebook, Newsvine, Myspace, Fark, Blog, Kaboodle, or Tweet.

I have heard rumors that one or two of us know what all that stuff means.

Way up toward the top of the modern writer's "You're Pretty Much Screwed If You Don't Have One" list is the Web site. This is an amazing modern communications tool that allows us to present our work to readers in the form of:

"404 ERROR - The Page You Have Requested Is Not Found! It is a safe bet that the doofus who owns this Web site has messed something up, probably forever. Please try again later. Or better yet, give up and go read something else. Like a book."