Ask Dr. Mike - Life Advice From A Lunatic

Once again it's time for Dr. Mike to break out the old copy of Psychology for the Complete Idiot and find answers to the problems threatening the very well being of my readers.

 

Dear Dr. Mike,

 

After many years of bachelor bliss, I have entered into a domestic partnership with a very wonderful woman. She has introduced me to many new aspects of life, including the concepts of eating foods other than steak, and having pants on when her mother comes to visit.

Last week we took a trip down the old self-help Slip-'N-Slide with an installment of "Ask Dr. Mike." This is where my readers trust me to solve their most intimate problems, despite my sketchy qualifications to be providing any sort of advice, my tendency to wander off the question into my own ideological agendas, and my at-best vague comprehension of my physical surroundings.

In other words, I'm kind of like a male Dr. Laura.

Now, by popular demand (and since I don't have any real column ideas this week), here we go again.

Dear Dr. Mike,

I work in an office where I am the only Macintosh computer user. All my co-workers treat me like a leper, always talking behind my back when they're standing around the water cooler waiting for the IT guy to repair their Windows machines.

From time to time my readers, apparently not aware of my carefully cultivated lack of any useful knowledge whatsoever, write in and ask me to help them solve the important issues in their lives. This is one of those times. So, here is the new year's first action-packed installment of "Ask Dr. Mike."

 

Dear Dr. Funny Guy,

We are a young married couple, and my wife and I have just finished the annual Holiday pilgrimage to spend time with all of our relatives.

What an ordeal! We were on the road so long that when we got back we found squatters living in our house. The squatters painted the kitchen and retiled the bathroom while we were gone, and they bought a great new couch for the family room, so we're letting them stay.

Our problem is that even after all the visits, none of our relatives seemed completely satisfied. My wife's Uncle Phil even took a shot at our car as we drove away.

What can we do?

Signed,

At Least The Squatters Seem To Like Us

It's been a while since Dr. Mike made an appearance on these pages. In fact, my newer readers are probably not even aware that I actually have a PhD, a Doctorate of Tequila Shots conferred by the prestigious University of Tim Online. This makes me at least as qualified to solve your most difficult and sensitive personal problems as, say, Dr. Laura.

Today's mail is a bit unique in that it actually came from a real, live reader and so it possibly represents a real, live problem. Go figure.

Dear Dr. Funny Guy,

My in-laws moved in with us a couple of months ago and they are starting to drive me crazy.  They eat at regular times, go to bed early, and believe it or not, they expect my wife and I to help out with the cost of maintaining the house!

As luck would have it, they own the house, but doggone it, we were here first.  Now I have to put my pants on before I wander down to the kitchen. 

What can I do?

Sincerely,

Hate Covering Up Those Fruit-Of-The-Looms

First published March 31, 2006

Ok gang, it’s time for another installment of “Ask Dr. Mike,” in which readers
entrust their most important problems to a guy who writes jokes for a
living.

I thought that my husband and I had finally arrived at the perfect
marriage – I hadn’t seen him in nearly two months, but the paychecks
kept coming in. Now it turns out that all that time he was lost in
the basement between the furnace and the water softener...