2010 - The Year In Preview

OK, we've got 2009 behind us. Once again it's time for me to dust off the Ouija Board, lay out the Tarot Cards, gaze at the coffee grounds (I'm not too crazy about tea), get into the old Rum & Eggnog, and let you all in on what's going to happen in the coming year.

January: The University of Michigan football team fails to play in a bowl game for the second year in a row, after 33 straight postseason appearances. Dedicated U of M fans take up a collection to buy second-year head coach Rich Rodriguez a one-way bus ticket to West Virginia. Dedicated West Virginia University fans chip in and buy him a ticket back to Ann Arbor.

February: The 2010 Winter Olympic Games kick off in Vancouver, British Columbia. American bloggers immediately begin to criticize Michael Phelps for not winning a single gold medal. Phelps replies, "I'm sorry for letting you all down. The only excuse I have is that all of my events are in the Summer Olympics."

March: Dick Cheney accuses President Obama of time-traveling to 2006 and accidentally shooting GOP contributor Harry Whittington in the face while quail hunting. Cheney says that "This fits the overall pattern of this Administration's refusal to keep America safe, or even to admit that we are at war with small, fat, nearly-flightless birds."

The official response from the White House is, "Huh?"

April: The first robin of spring is spotted in the West Park, asking picnickers if they have any spare change.

On Tax Day a couple of hundred angry teabaggers stage an anti-tax rally in Washington, D.C. When a passing certified public accountant points out that their taxes have actually gone down in the past sixteen months, they beat him senseless with hand-lettered "Be Smart - Opose Tyraney" signs.

May: Golf superstar Tiger Woods sends his wife, Elin Nordegren, a diamond-encrusted solid gold "Cupid's Arrow" as a combination reconciliation and Mother's Day gift. Later in the day Woods is spotted walking bow-legged out of a Florida emergency room after undergoing "surgical extraction of a diamond-encrusted object" from an unspecified part of his anatomy.

June: The Detroit Tigers are having a rough season after losing Curtis Granderson, Fernando Rodney, Placido Polanco, and several other key players. Dedicated fans take up a collection to buy the entire team bus tickets to West Virginia.

July: On the 4th of July, Americans set an all-time record for the one-day consumption of brats, baked beans and potato salad. On the 5th of July the EPA announces a new alternative energy strategy, harvesting the cloud of methane hovering over the Midwestern United States.

August: Nothing at all happens, since everyone is on vacation.

September: The big new "Back To School" fad item for kids this year is the iWii, a pocket-sized online gaming system that lets kids sit on the playground participating in healthy games like "Virtual Dodge Ball" and "eTag."

October: The Detroit Tigers win the World Series!

On a related note, pigs are spotted flying over Ypsilanti and there is an ice hockey tournament in Hell (that's Hell, Hell - not Hell, Michigan).

November: In the last few days before the 2010 Mid-term Elections, a desperate Republican National Committee takes up a collection to buy bus tickets to West Virginia for all the Democrats. West Virginia finally gives up and hops on a bus to North Carolina.

December: Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin fires a hunting rifle at a Christmas Eve intruder in her home. She describes the intruder as "... a fat hippie in a red suit." Luckily for all of us, Mrs. Palin was shooting from the hip.

Well, those are my predictions and I'm sticking to them. Just bear in mind that if any of these things actually happen, it will all be news to me.

Happy New Year, everybody!

* Helpful Holiday Hint - if Santa didn't bring you a copy of What I've Learned So Far... Part I: Bikes, Docks, and Slush Nuggets, I know where you can get one!

Copyright © 2010, Michael Ball  

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