To See, Or Not To See; The American Man's Field Guide to Looking, Leering And Ogling

Last week I mentioned that men can't help looking at women, especially when a little bit of cleavage is involved. I admit that this is about as startling as saying that the sun rises in the East or that Glenn Beck is daisy-plucking, talking to imaginary hummingbirds crazy. Still, it had to be said.

Now we are going to explore ways for men to follow their natural instinct to peek without getting pepper sprayed.

To start with, try to understand that to some extent this is all mostly a matter of being polite. A woman, unlike a man, generally has a pretty good idea what she is wearing and what it looks like. And unless she was raised by wolves (female ones), you can be fairly sure that she knows about guys and cleavage.

This means that if she has The Girls on display, she pretty much expects any normal healthy guy to look. It's just that, having that pesky female tendency toward subtlety and nuance, she doesn't want you to look too much.

So step one is to try not to be completely obvious. When catching that first tantalizing glimpse, you should avoid doing a triple-take, stomping your foot, flapping your arms and shouting, "Za-za-za zowie!" My guess is that this is just the sort of thing that would rub almost any girl the wrong way.

Instead, stay calm. Take a few deep breaths. Keep your eyes above the neck while you regain your composure and develop some sort of strategy. You might want to try to find and concentrate on a unique feature on the woman's face to help you stay focused, like a mole or a Maori battle tattoo.

You have to be a little bit careful not to linger too long in this phase. If you just stand there staring at her Maori battle tattoo and completely ignoring The Girls, she will begin to think either that you are deranged, or that she has a chunk of spinach in her teeth. So take your time, but get on with it.

A main element of your plan should be deception. This might be something as simple as wearing a pair of sun glasses. Those big old "Billy Bob The Deputy Sheriff Who Gave You A Ticket Just Outside Diphtheria Springs, Alabama" mirrored aviators are especially good for this. They will let you go ahead and stare away while she touches up her mascara in the reflection.

If you are not already wearing sun glasses, though, you might find it awkward to run out to the car to get them. Especially if it's nighttime. If you can't come up with some logical alternative, like putting on a handy pair of cardboard 3-D glasses or a welder's mask, you'll have to resort to misdirection.

The object of misdirection is to get the woman looking at something else long enough for you to grab your peek. Try shouting something like, "Say, isn't that Christian Bale over there showing Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom how to play beach volleyball?"

Well, how do you know she'll never buy it, if you don't try it?

The important thing to remember is not to be greedy. Once you've had your look, go ahead and move along to the next level of interpersonal discourse. Like, just to throw out a radical alternative, you could engage in some sort of constructive, meaningful conversation.

Or, you could go fetch those shades.
  

Copyright © 2009, Michael Ball

What I've Learned So Far... by Mike Ball is a syndicated feature distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group. If you enjoy this work, please contact your local newspaper's editors and ask them to carry it.