A Fourth of July Primer

Well, here it is – the Fourth of July Weekend!

Sweaty Americans from sea to shining sea will be dumping something like 150 million bags of crushed ice over 1.1 billion cans of beer in coolers, throwing a diet coke or two in for the wife, and heading for any place where they can find a little bit of sunshine and a lot of other sweaty Americans. It's how we like to celebrate our nation’s independence.

Most of us know that our country was founded on the inalienable right to wear tank tops and flip-flops, eat brats, play Frisbee, and develop heat stroke. In the interest of our long-term success as the ultimate lawn-party nation, I thought we might take a few minutes here and go over some of the finer points of the big day.

Hamburgers: These are an essential part of any Fourth of July celebration. The perfect burgers should be thoroughly cooked over a charcoal fire that is just slightly warmer than the surface of the sun, and removed from the flames at the exact moment they reach the point of succulent charcoal perfection. As an added bonus, if you apply enough pressure on the bun, you get a quarter pound diamond. With cheese.

Hot Dogs: The hot dog has no nutritional value at all, and is classified along with Twinkies and pretty much anything from Burger King as simultaneously causing both obesity and malnutrition. This is why children and adult males love them. On the up side, a hot dog serves as a pretty good delivery vehicle for horseradish and mustard.

Watermelon: On a hot day, what better way is there to say, "I'm a total slob." Always be sure to cut your watermelon nice and thick, so you can’t eat it without getting juice all over your shirt and up your nose. If you are under the age of about twelve (or a guy), you probably enjoy getting into seed-spitting contests. Sadly, the development of seedless watermelons has seriously endangered this national pastime.

Potato Salad: Of course it’s good for you. Why else would they call it “salad?”

Sun Screen: Be sure you slather on plenty of sunscreen. This is especially important in case your teenage son waits until you fall asleep in the sun, then writes “Loser” on your back with SPF 30.

Aloe: For any spots you missed with the sun screen. If you neglected to pay attention to the note above, that will be everything except the word “Loser” on your back.

Fireworks: I love fireworks. I once bought one of those huge colorful bundles of “Legal Fireworks” at the grocery store. Judging from the packaging I assumed that I was getting enough “Safe, Legal” firepower to put on a sixty minute Independence Day show over the Statue of Liberty.

When I opened it up at home, my arsenal consisted mostly of a variety of plastic gizmos that made puffs of smoke and little farting sounds. Well, I figured, at least they are perfectly safe. The most exciting pyrotechnics in there were the sparklers.

I burned my foot stepping on a sparkler.

The Parade: You can’t celebrate the Fourth without watching your friends and neighbors line up and march down Main Street. Better yet, march along with them. Just try to watch your step if you happen to wind up behind the horses.

The Flag: The American flag is unique in the world. Contrary to what some folks seem to believe these days, our flag does not stand for any one political party or point of view. It stands for a nation that has been able to blend a rich diversity of opinions, religions, races, and cultural backgrounds, forging them into an alloy of liberty stronger than any metal. It stands for the countless valiant people  since July 4, 1776 who have fought and died to preserve that liberty.

And it stands for right of us citizens of the greatest country in history to get just a little bit silly from time to time. God really does bless America.

Copyright © 2009, Michael Ball

What I've Learned So Far... by Mike Ball is a syndicated feature distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group. If you enjoy this work, please contact your local newspaper's editors and ask them to carry it.