Volcanos and Swine Flu - The Fun Of Flying

Everybody knows that the airlines have not been doing that well lately. Between the rising cost of fuel and the ongoing hassles of cleaning up after young Nigerian millionaires with exploding underpants, the industry has been faced with a series of unprecedented challenges.

To add insult to injury, a certain volcano in Iceland (Eyjafjallajokull, whose name is really hard to say for most news reporters; it's pronounced "Xgicxgsrnlglu") recently shut down airports all over Europe and paralyzed air travel world-wide. Of course, most airlines are not compensating the stranded passengers in any way, since a volcano is an "Act of God."

Still, their profits are in trouble. Things are getting so grim that the airlines may eventually have to let the average income of their top executives plunge below three million dollars a year!

Funny story:

Last fall I had a ticket to fly to New York on an airline that shall remain nameless (it was Delta). This trip was something I really wanted and needed to do; it was a great business opportunity, plus it would provide me with a chance to recharge my creative batteries, strolling the urine-soaked streets of the greatest (and possibly the most urine-soaked) city on Earth.

Unfortunately, a couple of days before the flight I noticed a slightly uncomfortable feeling between my shoulder blades. It was a little bit like having my spine torn out with a corkscrew. Within an hour my throat felt like I had been swallowing broken glass, my lungs were turning themselves inside out, and my head had cracked open from the inside. I had come down with a touch of what is commonly called the "Swine Flu."

Now I know how much all air travelers admire a fellow passenger who has the dedication to bravely leave his sick bed and fly, despite coughing chunks of his pancreas onto the eyeglasses of the woman sitting next to him on the plane. I guess I just do not have that kind of dedication, so we contacted the nameless airline (Delta) and told them that I was too ill to fly.

They informed us that, while the ticket was non-refundable, because we were dealing with an unavoidable illness - which many people might very well call an "Act of God" - we could apply the cost of the ticket to a future flight - is there anything else we can help you with today, and thank you very much for choosing our nameless airline (Delta).

Fast-forward to a couple of weeks ago. We had another New York trip scheduled, and thought, "Gosh! Wouldn't this just be a Jim-dandy time to use that ticket to New York! Why don't we just call up that nameless airline (Delta), and I'm sure they will be happy to take care of everything."

OK, so here's where it really gets hilarious.

Getting through to a human being at this particular airline that shall not be named (Delta) is pretty challenging. They have installed a state-of-the-art automated phone system, in which a computer with a sexy voice asks a long series of questions to determine what you need, listens carefully to each of your answers, then disconnects you.

But I can be pretty persistent, and not all that judicious with my time. I eventually got through to an agent (deleted comma)who informed me that, according to her records, I had in fact traveled to New York last fall. I told her that on that date I was not able to travel to the bathroom without help, so I'm pretty sure I would have remembered making it all the way to 7th avenue and 34th street.

After a little more discussion she went on to admit that my return ticket had not been used. Apparently, the nameless airline (Delta) thought that I had decided to stay in the Big Apple, and was now living in a walk-up in Soho.

The bottom line of our conversation was that I would have to drive to the airport, find a ticket counter for the nameless airline (Delta), and swear before God and a Gate Agent that I had not used that ticket. If I did this they would transfer the ticket, keeping a $150 penalty fee (out of $250).

It's uncanny. It's almost as if they knew that the fuel, parking and time would cost me a lot more than $100!

So here it is. I'm wondering how a simple columnist like me, who only talks to thousands of people in airline markets all around the country, should go about asking this nameless airline (Delta) what the difference is between their "Act of God" (remember that unpronounceable volcano?) and my "Act of God."

Any ideas?

Copyright © 2010, Michael Ball

Mike Ball is the Erma Bombeck Award-winning author of "What I've Learned So Far..." and the book What I've Learned So Far... Part I: Bikes, Docks & Slush Nuggets.