Iraq - It's Not A Civil War, It's Just A Little Gas
Washington DC, November 29, 2006
George W. Bush today once again emphatically asserted that Iraq had not slipped into civil war.
Natalie Clap, the Third Assistant Undersecretary of Bush's newly-created Department of Denial said in a prepared statement, "It just baffles us how anybody could call this a civil war. Ok, we understand that it's a little bit inconvenient to drive around Iraq, what with the car bombs, the burning Humvees, and the death squads. And ok, the bodies in the street do tie up traffic now and then, which according to Dr. Rice's fact-finding missions, really screws up business at the downtown Baghdad boutiques. But civil war? Hardly."
Pressed to elaborate on what terminology the White House might prefer to apply to the conflict, Clap said, "Let's look at the facts here. We have no more than two or three well-armed, organized, ideologically-driven factions battling each other for control of the government. And ok, we've had a few civilian casualties, but certainly not more than about 600,000. How could you call that a civil war?"
"These little problems," she continued, "are really just the kind of things that are bound to crop up in any fledgling democracy. In a sense, even though it might be unpleasant, all of this is as natural as breaking wind. So let's not get all dramatic and start throwing around terms like 'civil war.' If you really need to put a name on it, how about 'Freedom Fart?'"
Clap went on to say that whatever you choose to call it, the President is very concerned about the escalating levels of violence throughout Iraq. "Why, just last week he got so worked up listening to the Pentagon reports that he let his juice box get warm. Let me just say that you didn't want to be anywhere near the Oval Office after that."
Copyright © 2006, Michael Ball
Print It
