What I've Learned So Far...

A Box 'O Wine And Thou
First published April 15, 2005

Living here in the little Midwestern town of Whitmore Lake, Michigan is a little bit like scarfing down a whole package of Oreos while you watch a Three Stooges movie – the experience is a lot of fun, but you’re not necessarily going to brag to all your high-class pals about it.

Now before you people from Whitmore Lake or places like it start writing me angry letters, I’m not saying that I’m the least bit ashamed of living here. I love living here. I know lots of people who also live here, and I love knowing them. During the months you don’t have to thaw the air in a microwave oven before you breathe it, there is not a nicer place to live on the planet.

It’s just that when your friend Skyler McSnooty says, “The best thing about our nineteen-bedroom cottage in Cape Cod is the tennis court we put in for the servants,” you’re not likely to come back with, “Oh yeah? Well I’m walking distance from the beer store!”

As you can see, Skyler and I live in two completely different worlds. In my world, anything with nineteen or more bedrooms is either a mansion or a motel – it is certainly not a “cottage.” And while I’m really glad that Skyler wants his butler to have a strong backhand, you have to understand that I’m a lot more concerned with keeping my Molson supply lines open.

If you’re new to our area, if you’re considering moving here, or if you’re just wondering what the hell you’re doing here, I’ve devised a little quiz to help you determine if you have the right temperament to be a true Whitmore Lakeazoid:

When you buy wine, you generally go for;

a.)   Something playful yet subtle, hopefully complementing the palate of the entrée; perhaps a Merlot or a Pinot Noir

b.)  Something in a White Zinfandel

c.)   White Zinfandel in a box

d.)  The cheapest White Zinfandel in a box

Your idea of great cultural entertainment is:

a.)   Some Grand Opera, perhaps Mozart’s Le nozze de Figaro

b.)  A tractor pull

c.)   Watching your brother-in-law try to park his motor home in your driveway without taking out the street light

d.)  A package of Oreos and a Three Stooges movie

What you’d most like to add on to your home is;

a.)   A new wing, with a sun room and a conservatory to accommodate the children’s cello and viola lessons.

b.)  A new bathroom, with a plaque dedicating it to your daughter

c.)   A slab with hook-ups for your brother-in-law’s motor home

d.)  A six pack and a lawn chair

When unexpected guests drop in you;

a.)   Whip up a little foie gras, ratatouille over salmon medallions, and maybe a platter of Nicoise olives

b.)  Break out the chips and salsa – but only the good salsa

c.)   Thaw out the cocktail wieners left over from your son’s last birthday party

d.)  Get a twelve pack and another lawn chair

If you answered “a.)” to any or all of the above questions, you would probably not be entirely happy around here. You and the McSnootys can just go ahead and live in Hyannis Port, or wherever.

Any other set of answers, and you’ll fit in just fine.

Copyright © 2005 Michael Ball

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