What I've Learned So Far...

Big Boys and Big Toys
First published June 10, 2005

Last week we talked about big boys and their toys. I’m sure most women were just stunned to learn that, when it comes to their stuff, most guys are emotionally about eight years old. Now we’ll move on and discuss the most important material thing in the average man’s life:

The curtains in the guest bathroom!

No, wait, that’s not right. I’m pretty sure the average man would have a hard time telling you whether or not he even had a guest bathroom, unless he had recently replaced the toilet in there. What I really meant to say was:

His car!

Yeah, that’s better.

There’s no question about it, we men have a thing for our cars. I think this might be because driving our cars is about the only time in our lives we have any control at all over what’s going on.

Think about it. When we’re kids, our moms and our (usually female) teachers are in charge of where we go and what we do pretty much every waking minute.

As we begin to grow up, they temporarily hand the controls off to our girlfriends – “Go ahead and take him out for a test-drive, dear, but don’t let him get away from you on the curves.”

Later our mothers are happy to sign the title and registration over to our wives – “If you just keep his tank full and change his oil now and then, he won’t give you any trouble.”

And then we get our first car. Suddenly we are in charge. Top dog. Numero uno! The big cheese! That car is going to go where we tell it to go! Unless, of course, a wife or girlfriend has somewhere she wants us to take her…

Now a man needs to get himself the right kind of car. There are “girl cars” and there are “guy cars,” and no self-respecting man would be caught dead driving a “girl car.”

Except me. I just can’t seem to get the hang of the whole “girl car”/“guy car” thing. During my adult life I’ve owned a Buick, a Volkswagen, a Porsche, a Cadillac, a Volvo, a Jeep, and a PT Cruiser. Within a week of buying every one of these, I’ve had a friend say to me, “Yeah, that’s a real nice car. I just bought one for my wife.”

Now one thing that you women might have noticed about men is that we like to take care of our cars. The same guy who can never seem to find the laundry hamper with his boxer shorts can spend an hour polishing a squashed bug off his fender. I actually have a friend who cleans the brake dust from his hub caps with a tooth brush. To his credit, he is always careful to rinse it well before he puts it back in his wife’s medicine cabinet.

As for me, I might fail to notice a dead buffalo in the living room, but a gum wrapper on my passenger-side floor mat sends me into a cleaning frenzy.

So there you have it. The secret’s out – guys just don’t care about curtains!  Next week maybe we’ll talk a little more about “girl cars.”

Send your “guys and toys” stories to mike@learnedsofar.com.

Copyright © 2005 Michael Ball

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